Thursday, January 6, 2011

Resolving to Keep My New Year's Resolution!

So I took the first public step towards keeping my new year's resolution. Along with a link to this blog; I posted this as my Facebook status: 

"This is my New Years resolution. I will be real. I will not lie to protect someone's reputation. I will not pretend to be who others want me to be. I will be genuine no matter how much it scares me."

 I "outed myself" on Facebook for all the social networking world to see! Since then I have put into practice the notion of being "real" and not pretending to be what it is I think others want me to be... and it has NOT been easy! It is a risk that I'm finally ready to take. 

As an incest survivor, I learned very early on, not to believe what I see, hear or feel. I learned that it isn't safe to tell the truth about myself or my life. I learned that you cannot believe people and I learned that I am not OK as I am. I have believed that my purpose is to fulfill the needs of others and to be what people want me to be. As a child, I dissociated so much that I created different parts of myself to meet those needs and to keep me from knowing the terrible truth that was my life. Shame permeated every fiber of my being. I was bad- period. 

Unraveling truth from lies and re-learning four decades of false teachings is a daunting process for sure. Like poor shattered Humpty Dumpty, it's time to start putting my pieces together again. Telling the truth seems to be the place for me to start. 

I know all too well the lies I was taught by my parents. Lies that were reinforced time and time again by teachers, cruel children, the church and abusive relationships. Even therapists and doctors unwittingly participated in the perpetuation of the facade. I didn't even know the truth about who I really was and what I've experienced. I bought it, "hook, line and sinker." I've been drowning for 46 years.

So, what IS true about me? I haven't got it all figured out yet and I'm learning more and more as time goes by, but there are some truths I do know. I am God's girl. He is my perfect father and He loves me- just as I am. When I was a tiny helpless child being violated and shamed in my own little bed in my own little room in our little house, God was right there with me. He was crying with me and for me. He has always been right here with me and I could not be brave enough to do what I'm doing without Him. 

I know that the Lord has a plan for me and that He is using my pain for good. I can help others who are going through this. With the statistics that tell us that as many as 1 in every 3 children have been, or are being sexually abused; odds are that a child I know needs help. I want to be that safe person to whom a child can turn. If I were to remain silent for fear of embarrassing my family or making people uncomfortable, I might miss that opportunity. I cannot imagine what might have been different in my life if I had someone to turn to. I wish I would have known that I wasn't the only one. Even that knowledge would have made a difference to me.


  1. you go girl...I am so very proud of you!! Keep up the work!! God Bless you on your journey!!

  2. Thank you Amie. With friends like you, I can keep going, one foot in front of the other!

  3. I am very proud of you!! God Bless you on this journey! <3

  4. you're going to make it and be just fine girl. you are strong and you are loved, you are courageous and forthright. you are a survivor and you have nothing to be ashamed of. i can so relate to you. i did not suffer your same torture, but i came from a very abusive family. my father was an abusive alcoholic and my mother not much better. we were told never to tell what went on at home because it was "family business". well, i told and told and told!! and it made things worse for me, but sometimes took the heat off of my brothers and sister... and my mother, because my father would abuse her as well. i refused to be silent. i had a responsability not to be silent. those awful memories have really messed me up through the years and haunt me to this day, but i swore way back then that i wouldn't let it destroy me. so i know survival mode and i can relate all too well! we must all talk about what haunts us, not only to help ourselves, but to help others as well. you are a brave woman and i have the utmost respect for you. god has already blessed you and his angels are always watching over you. i know this, because you have survived and god gave you the strength to do so.. it is when we are silent that the darkness can take hold and destroy us. speaking out and telling your story will heal you. as far as all the rest...let the stones fall where they may. the best way for an abuser to keep control of you, is to obtain your silence, so SPEAK OUT and continue to speak out, and too bad for anyone who doesn't like it!! <3

  5. Wow! I am so moved by what you wrote. Not only for your compassion and support, but for your honesty in sharing your story with me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart! Abuse is abuse, especially when it's at the hands of the ones who are supposed to protect us! I admire your determination and bravery in speaking out and in not letting them win. I liked what you said about the silence and the importance of speaking out. I feel so much better already! I KNOW God has blessed me and is always with me and I cling to that. Your positive energy, strength and joy is contagious. God bless!