My story of repressed memories of incest, a lifetime of despair and dissociation, discovery and healing. "You mean the sky isn't blue?!" unmasks the truth of what my life really was causing me to question not only my childhood fantasy life, but life in general. Blogs like these have helped me more than I could have ever imagined and I hope to be able to help others as well. Please share your thoughts and feelings here too.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Letting Go of the Fantasy
Today I am forever changed. Today I no longer have doubt. Neither do I have “hope.”
For 22 years I have lived under a cloud of doubt.
I was in a tug of war between believing and disbelieving
that I REALLY was sexually abused.
What started out as a hint of the truth
that I had been abused, had grown over the years
to a solid 90% certainty that it was true.
Oh, but that 10%... How I clung to that bewildering 10%...
Was it “hope” or just wishful thinking?
I now KNOW that my father raped me...100%.
Up to now I had a sliver of “hope” that I was
wrong, crazy or that I had made it up.
There was still a shred of “hope” that I was loved.
In some strange way, I would have rather been wrong, mentally ill or a liar than to admit that my own father would
force himself on and into my little body.
I would rather be crazy than to admit that my Daddy was evil.
I would rather be a liar than to admit that my mother
would choose her status as the captain’s wife over
the desire to protect her daughter.
I wanted to be wrong because I wanted to be loved.
Now I know I am not crazy but I also know that I was not loved.
I have lost my grip on that tiny piece of “hope”
and that’s a good thing; a VERY good thing.
That tiny sliver; that 10%; that fantasy that I desperately
held onto was just an illusion of love and protection.
That illusion kept me sick and kept me stuck.
I've been stuck here for 22 years and painful as it is to lose that dream, I am finally free to move on now.
The time has come for me to heal.
This is the defining moment of my life.
Today I am changed because today I am ready.
I’m ready to remember. I’m ready to rage. I’m ready to grieve.