Thursday, February 3, 2011

Letting Go of the Fantasy

Today I am forever changed. 
Today I no longer have doubt. Neither do I have “hope.”
For 22 years I have lived under a cloud of doubt. 
I was in a tug of war between believing and disbelieving 
that I REALLY was sexually abused. 
What started out as a hint of the truth 
that I had been abused, had grown over the years 
to a solid 90% certainty that it was true. 
Oh, but that 10%... How I clung to that bewildering 10%...
Was it “hope” or just wishful thinking? 
I now KNOW that my father raped me...100%. 
Up to now I had a sliver of “hope” that I was 
wrong, crazy or that I had made it up. 
There was still a shred of “hope” that I was loved. 
In some strange way, I would have rather been wrong, mentally ill or a liar than to admit that my own father would 
force himself on and into my little body. 
I would rather be crazy than to admit that my Daddy was evil. 
I would rather be a liar than to admit that my mother 
would choose her status as the captain’s wife over 
the desire to protect her daughter. 
I wanted to be wrong because I wanted to be loved. 
Now I know I am not crazy but I also know that I was not loved. 
I have lost my grip on that tiny piece of “hope” 
and that’s a good thing; a VERY good thing. 
That tiny sliver; that 10%; that fantasy that I desperately 
held onto was just an illusion of love and protection.
That illusion kept me sick and kept me stuck. 
I've been stuck here for 22 years and painful as it is to lose that dream, I am finally free to move on now. 
The time has come for me to heal. 
This is the defining moment of my life. 
Today I am changed because today I am ready. 
I’m ready to remember. I’m ready to rage. I’m ready to grieve. 
It’s time and I’m ready.


  1. wow...goosebumps, you are so ready for this and I stand amazed at the strength you are filled with! Thank you for letting me on this journey with you!

  2. Yes, I believe I am ready-praise God! Thank YOU for being in this journey with me!

  3. You go, girl! What beautiful power you have. Own it, own it, own it! It's your truth, your story, your VICTORY to be had. Love you!

  4. Thank you N, Your support means so much to me and I couldn't ask for better cheerleaders! Love you too.

  5. Excellent blog post. We all want to be wrong about abuse and we are somehow groomed to self doubt ~ as part of the whole secrecy thing. We are quietly taught that it is our fault, our shame and even our defect. And then it is re enforced that we are wrong. Such a mess. I love your insights here.
    Hugs, Darlene

  6. Thanks Darlene- anyone who doesn't believe in brain washing has never experienced what we have, that's for sure! Reading your blog and others like it really opened my eyes to the fact that I am not alone. I'm grateful to all the brave souls who share their experiences because without them, I might have walked around this mountain for another 46 years feeling crazy and ashamed.