My story of repressed memories of incest, a lifetime of despair and dissociation, discovery and healing. "You mean the sky isn't blue?!" unmasks the truth of what my life really was causing me to question not only my childhood fantasy life, but life in general. Blogs like these have helped me more than I could have ever imagined and I hope to be able to help others as well. Please share your thoughts and feelings here too.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
So, I started Atkins nine days ago and despite some massive
migraines, I'm alive and well.
Fifteen pounds lighter... and very, very grateful!
When I decided to trust God to hold my hand and help me do this,
I really had no idea what that would look like.
I'm still unsure of what the rest of this journey will be like.
Here's what I've seen so far:
God used my niece to get my attention and she was obedient to Him by calling.
I was obedient once I realized it was from Him and my husband followed bravely.
I asked Him to do what I have never been able to do and He did.
I had NO cravings the first whole week- which, from what I read is uncommon.
I suffered through some powerful, painful migraines, unrelieved by medication.
These headaches lasted about five days... a very looooong five days!
I prayed and I reached out for support and got some great advice.
That support and my faith allowed me to push through and stay the course.
I felt really good going into week two and had lost more weight than expected!
Unfortunately for me, along with my new found confidence,
often comes pride... and not the healthy kind of pride either!
I started feeling empowered and self sufficient.
Whenever I'm not struggling, I start forgetting to pray.
I wasn't struggling this week.
I decided to buy some sugar free jello for a treat, after all, "I'm doing so well."
The night before last, I made a box of two servings.
Rather than pour it into two bowls, I left it in the big bowl I had made it in.
Innocent enough... right? (First red flag)
I woke up yesterday and thought of the sweet treat almost immediately.
I almost didn't make coffee because I wanted to eat that jello.
I talked to myself aloud, negotiating and rationalizing.
I made a deal with myself, (Red flag number two).
I would eat some "real food" first, then I could have the jello.
Ok, the plan sounds reasonable to me! I fixed myself some food.
Normally, I really like tuna salad with onion and radishes and I enjoy eating it.
I took my plate of "real food" and the bowl of jello to my seat. (Third red flag)
I began eating. I hurried through my "real food."
All the while thinking about my treat.
I don't remember whether or not I enjoyed my food.
Once I swallowed the last mouthful of "real food", I dove into the jello.
At first, I planned on only eating half... "well, maybe a bit more"...
I used the side of the spoon like a knife to carefully cut the jello in half.
Then I shaved off "just a little more"... (Red flag number four).
In short order, I had eaten all the jello. "Duh"...
How did I not see that one coming?
Because I'm used to playing the game, that's how.
Here's another shocker... I started having cravings yesterday!
Let me repeat myself, "Duh!"
I may not be the brightest bulb in the box, but I am able to recognise
something that folks in the AA community call "stinkin' thinkin'."
I am a carb addict after all.
Yes, I know that sugar free jello isn't going to hurt my body.
Only 20 calories and 0 carbs. It's not my body that's the problem.
That jello and all the insanity surrounding it, messed with my thinking.
THAT'S where the real problem lies.
My eating sugar free jello is the equivalent of an alcoholic drinking
an O'Doul's non-alcoholic beer!
It's way too soon for me to be flirting with danger!
So, here's my revised plan:
PRAY. Honest and often.
Stop playing games that will become my undoing.
Back away from the jello and no one gets hurt!
Hold myself accountable by talking about it.
Go back to what works.
So here I am, fifteen pounds lighter, humbled and grateful.