Monday, June 25, 2012

Healing is Not for Sissies!

    I’ve been in and out of treatment since my first suicide attempt at seventeen, though I needed help long before that. I remember lying in my bed at the ripe old age of eight, praying for God to end my life. In my naivete, I tried to hold my breath until I died. Of course, I’d end up breathing again. I contemplated drowning but I was afraid of the water. One time, I tried holding a pillow over my face to no avail. Clearly, I was depressed for as long as I could remember. I always knew I wasn’t normal. Although I repressed the knowledge and memory of the sexual abuse, I certainly knew that there was something wrong with me. I was not like other kids. I believed that I was bad, shameful, sick and ugly, inside and out and I held this belief for more than forty years.
    Even today, I find myself wondering when I’ll feel normal. When will I be done? When will I be over it? When will it go away? I don’t think it ever really goes away. How can something so much a part of who you are just go away? Surviving an entire childhood of pain, shame and sexual torture at the hands of my own family is so much a part of who we are, that even in the most ideal circumstances and on the best of days, it’s there. It won’t always be so “in-your-face” as it is right now, but how can it not effect every part of who we are? Hell, there wouldn’t even be a “we” if not for needing to escape the reality! If you’ve spent your entire life being a “we” it’s impossible to know what being an “I” feels like. My therapist once likened it to being filthy rich while trying not to think about money. The abuse shapes our thoughts, feelings, and beliefs in such a profound and primal way that we cannot fathom anything else.
    Incest and the mind control that accompanies it is pervasive. It’s the foundation that even the most fundamental thoughts, feelings and beliefs are built upon. Healing requires demolition all the way down to that foundation and rebuilding brick by brick. Healing is not for sissies! You’ve got to commit to it for the long haul, otherwise it’s like a Band-Aid over a bullet hole. You will die a slow death unless you commit to it. I know this because I danced around it for twenty years before I made the commitment to my healing. I did some work here and there and I was willing to say that I was abused. I allowed myself to know it but no way was I going to feel it and I was definitely not ready to make myself vulnerable by allowing anyone to come into my inside world. I had to hit bottom. I had to wait until both my parents were dead before I could be strong enough to go there.
     I’ve been working on integrating for a couple of years now and I’m definitely blending. I feel more whole than I have ever felt and more “normal” whatever that is! I found the right therapist at the right time and I jumped in with both feet. I made the commitment and I haven’t given up. As excruciating as the process has been, it's still better than the depression I lived with for four decades! I have been working harder at healing than I ever have at anything else. I’m open about the abuse and resulting D.I.D. and have given the blame back to those that deserve it. I don’t carry their secrets for them anymore. I have given voice to the wee ones inside me and to all the parts of me that have been bound, silenced and kept isolated in the dark. I am all those parts. We are all me! None of us would be the same without the others and all of us are me. If you are a survivor, you probably understand that and if not, I hope you can respect it and respect me for surviving, thriving and being willing to make myself vulnerable to grow stronger. Dissociation is not mental illness, rather, a gift from God that allowed a helpless child to survive the unimaginable. I’m grateful for that!


10 comments:

  1. I think you hit the nail on the head for me! I have always been a "We" and not an "I". Thank You!
    ~Jess

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    1. Jess, Just knowing I'm not alone has been a real lifesaver for me.
      I'd like to share one of my favorite quotes with you:
      "Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, 'What! You too? I thought I was the only one"~ C. S. Lewis
      Thank you friend!

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  2. Thank you for sharing your story

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    1. Thank you Jennifer for taking time to read it and comment <3

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  3. Thank you for sharing. It does takes courage from heaven for me to walk this road of healing. Your statement at the very end, dissociation being a gift from God. It was this you said that ring so true in my heart last night.Raped by both parents repeatedly, molested by my grandmothers, molested by a brother, and bullied and molested on my elementary school bus which seemed like it lasted forever, was all too much for a little girl to see and feel. I have flashes and nightmares of these events. I don't have her with me and I do try so hard to be in her skin. Sometimes I feel I let her down by not protecting her,not being strong enough to fight all of them off me. I feel separated from her and even though the flashes and dreams tell me her story it seems like it's not enough for me. I want her back but she's gone. I do believe that it was God's mercy in allowing the dissociation at this elementary age. The grief just hurts so deeply. Last night God helped me to accept what happened to another degree. It felt frightening for me but I'm still here and I'm still willing to continue this process of healing. And I'm grateful just as you are to have a Creator who loves me dearly and will continue to be with me all of the way...Thank you again for sharing such an intimate part of your experience. It has blessed me this morning...RiRi

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    1. RiRi, I really appreciate what you have written here and I want to thank you from my heart for sharing your story too. I am so so sorry that they did that to you. You deserved so much better and my heart hurts for that tender little girl. I'm thankful that God protected you just as he did me by allowing our minds to escape when our bodies could not. I feel like I need to say a couple of things. First, I want to say that you are NOT responsible for one moment of what they did to you. Not one single moment. They let you down. You did NOT let her down. She is part of you and all parts of you did the best they could in an unbearable situation. I say Bravo! You survived and came through it with that tender, compassionate heart intact. They did not win. I also noticed how we tend to speak about ourselves, especially our young selves in the third person. I can feel that disconnect and I can relate. We survivors speak the same language, you know? Lastly, I hope you know that you are not alone and I hope that you continue to lean on Him and please be kind to yourself. Healing is such hard work. Take time to recover and to rest and to enjoy the good days, because I promise you, there will be more of them to enjoy!

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  4. Thank you stepping-out-into-faith. Thank you for reaffirming that I did all that I could. Yes, the disconnect is real. So real at times it feels overwhelming. Staying true to myself helps me through those overwhelming times. There are times when I can be hard on myself, drilling my own mind trying to find her. It's not every day that I do this,just the times when I have the nightmares or the flashes.Thank you so much, and I will take time to recover,rest and to enjoy all the good days that are coming..God bless you..RiRi

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  5. Thank you so much for writing this. the begging for air in the car is word for word how i used to feel. unworthy of fresh air and wrong to point out that it is unhealthy. and other stuff.

    thank you.

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  6. the truth does set us free from the secrets of our abusers! Thank you so much for sharing!

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  7. just beginning the journey of healing at the ripe old age of 38 for things done many many years ago. repressed until my mind and body couldnt take it any more and came out in 'conversion disorder' which causes periods of paralysis when my mind causes my body to shut down. thank you for sharing and giving hope. i really do hope there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

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